La~la~la~
I miss home. The family. The home. The friends. The food. The social life. The freedom.
Here in the UK, although I'm living away from home with the parents halfway around the world, I find that I am more restricted than I ever was in Malaysia.
I am stuck in freaking Bristol where I had to endure a fucking 15 minutes shouting competition between a pair of drunk mother and son, who kept repeating the same things over and over again, in the fucking bus where there is nowhere to run. I have to take a stoopid 3-hours-minimum trip every freaking day to work and I have to run after buses every other day.
Not only that, I have to listen people yakking their mouth off on the phone arguing their freaking points in their annoyingly squeaky high-pitched voices for 25 minutes - and then, I have to put on a nice smiley tone to speak to the next caller on the phone (okay, I hate the first much so much more than the second one - in fact I don't mind the second part). I'm fucking stressed and tired with work. It's easy to switch off for the short time I'm at home and during weekends but the stress will always come back the next working day. Depressing.
I want to realise my dream to travel the freaking Europe when I'm here but I am somehow bound to this place. I want to get out and explore but yet I hold back - for what I really don't know.
Maybe it's because every single day is a fucking routine - even fucking weekends!!! It's not like I'm restricted in any way to seek adventures but I have just grown so used to the fucking routine that I just follow it blindly. Or maybe it's the age showing - as I grow older I become even more resistant to changes and more reluctant to break away from the normal course of my daily life.
Heck, even a trip to Cardiff has been postponed for over a month now when it is just a short train ride away!!! I'm so tired at the weekends that I just want to laze around or just go to town, rather than exploring a different town.
It makes me feel really melancholy sometimes to think that I am slowly losing my purpose of staying on in the UK - travel and/or make money. I am not freaking traveling every month - maybe I should. I am not making shitloads of money - decent enough but with the fucking bills and all, I'm not left with much.
It makes me wonder what is the purpose of my life. I am quite sure that I'll head back home at the end of next year- most likely. And then what? I don't want to be a fucking lawyer. So what do I do? I want to continue studying and travel for as long as I can. But the reality of life, the expectation of my parents and my responsibility as the oldest to set an example tie me down.
It doesn't help that I have practically no friends here - nada, zilch. There's no one to hang out with, to plan trips with, to travel with, to chat with, to shop with and to do girly things with. Most times, I hypnotize myself to think that it's not thattt important but there are just moments where the solidarity lifestyle of a recluse gets the better of me. No man is an island, how true that is.
And it definitely does not help that I have been without a fucking laptop for, what, close to 6 months now. I've lost the link to a lot of dear friends, especially the people who I've promised emails for ages.
But then again, it's my fault for being kiamsap and not willing to fork out moolah to get one. Also to blame is the blardee pride who will not accept the parents paying for a new laptop. It is especially my fault for not making more of an effort to keep in touch - but sometimes it just take too much energy and in the midst of all these, I really can't and don't feel like going that extra mile.
Sometimes I just want to fuck all this and go home. But I owe it to myself and to my dear loved ones who have the faith in me to prove that I can make it here.
I want to break away but I can't make myself. At the end of the day, the problem lies with me. I am the one making life miserable for myself. Maybe I am a sadomasochistic who enjoys seeing myself suffer. Disgusting.
So yes, what was meant to be a random rambling post has turned into a self-incriminating one to rant out. For those of you who think that life is rosy for me, well it's not. I know it's a bit of a poor-little-me post but we all have our moments so leave me be.
I'm hoping for a reprieve from all these dark thoughts that haunt me at random moments. I'm too tired physically and mentally to fight them.
